78uuu lumière des étoiles

Dusty:Starlight:Culture



sometimes I am just waving
2008-03-09   7:02 p.m.

Nobody heard him, the dead man,


But still he lay moaning:


I was much further out than you thought


And not waving but drowning.

Poor chap, he always loved larking


And now he's dead


It must have been too cold for him his

heart gave way,


They said.

Oh, no no no, it was too cold always


(Still the dead one lay moaning)


I was much too far out all my life


And not waving but drowning.

- Stevie Smith - Not Waving But Drowning

This last line of Stevie Smith's poem rolled around in my head this week as I sat in my grad class, trying to remember things about the Treaty of Utrecht, the Peace of Westphalia, and the Treaty of Osnabrück. I forgot, I suppose, that besides taking on studies I want to engage in and see as relevant to my life, one must also take on studies that their program deems canonical and therefore necessary to any good little PhD candidate's repertoire. I understand that as wanna-be policy analysts, peace-studies theorists or human rights scholars, we have to understand context and an historical analysis of our current global system, but European history is just so full of...greedy inbred people full of themselves and obsessed with acquiring capital. Not that other regional history is different, however - destruction and cruelty can be found everywhere. But colonizing European superpowers have a particularly nasty past and sometimes the applauding and heralding of particularly nasty sovereigns of colonizing European superpowers in history pages I am reading is disturbing. And don't bother asking me whether any central consideration is ever given to women's lives; my making it central, or finding texts and scholars making it central is tolerated but not exactly appreciated. So I conform, and learn about these treaties and wonder all along what I'm forgetting now about these rich men's lives that will screw up my ability to recall info come my qualifying exams. And I'm afraid I can't, or don't want to, and worry that everyone in my program knows more than me, enjoys this more than me, has a passion for this more than me. And I feel like I can smile and talk the talk with people who think I'm waiving, but really I'm drowning.

Ugh, listen to me going on about myself, how boring. The clocks moved forward. Less sleep, but more evening light. It was a beautiful, windy day. Saw The Other Boleyn Girl with Elaine on Friday night, and it reminded me that ambitious women were always seen as a threat to world peace and stability. Must be that Eve thing. Not a bad flick; the commercials/trailers calling it "romantic", however, not only miss the mark, but are downright creepy. Though I suppose if one finds the trafficking and possibly incestuous exploits of the tudors "romantic", who am I to judge?

This week is going to be hectic, but spring break is coming up soon and I'll need it to catch up on work. If I can weasle out of our PI what our summer schedule can be, I can also take next week to finalize our trip to Africa. Tanzania it is, it seems - and we found a local outfit who will drive us around the Serengeti for a decent price. AND, the price comes down if we book with four people instead of just us two. Anyone up for joining us? I'm serious.