78uuu lumière des étoiles

Dusty:Starlight:Culture



Stubborn Girl
2006-02-15   7:38 p.m.

I ran three miles yesterday in 25 minutes. I'm pretty damn proud of that time, even though I know it's really nothing much to shake a stick at. Wait, I take that back; for a girl who is used to hanging out in smokey bars (still does, cough cough - though not for long, yippie!) and would smoke occasionally in said smokey bars (I know, I know) and couldn't run for five minutes in a row a few years ago, that's an awesome time. Whatever happened to being so-so?, asked writer Lisa Strick once in a New York Times article. I'm a so-so runner, a so-so piano player, a so-so climber, a so-so baker, a so-so scientific researcher. I like all these things and can sort of do them; I'm the product of my generation's educational philosophy: make her a well-rounded individual by offering her a little of this, a little of that. But proficiency is often not good enough in our super-duper kids culture, is it? The pressure to excel in greatness is so overwhelming these days. For stubborn over-achievers and tests-of-will-power-addicts like me, it's both a dream come true and a horrible nightmare: it feeds our needs to compete against ourselves, just as it enables our perfectionism even further.

But I'm learning, or at least trying to work on that part of me that's too hard on myself, infuriated at at signs of my own weakness or failure. I'm lucky to have married someone who loves me enough to just be straight with me, even when I'm at my scariest. Just last week, down about something that went all wrong and "punishing" myself by moping around, he said: "You made a mistake, you're human, now get over it" - and proceeded to make me laugh and forget about being so mad for the rest of the night. Sigh. He's dreamy.

And I must admit something else, since I'm copping now to how my husband is able to get under my skin: I've never been one for Valentine's Day, sweetie or no, but there is something nice about your husband returning home late at night from work AND grad school, and still handing you flowers and insisting on talking over wine for a while. Good thing that isn't just restricted to Valentine's Day for us - but it was a sweet Tuesday night, as opposed to a busy or tired Tuesday night.

Oh, and we saw Steven Colbert again at the gym. This time, I unfortunately pulled the ol' "Al Sharpton" on him. (To clarify: I saw Al Sharpton at LaGuardia airport once, walking straight for me in a line, and looked at him oddly for several long seconds, stuck in a "wha...do I know that guy...from somewhere...ooooh!!". He returned my strange look, which I never intended to be a strange look - but of course by the time the moment passed, and he was already retreating, I looked at him not indifferently, or knowingly, but strangely. Weird little white girl, I'm sure he muttered to himself.) What is one to do? Leave Steven Colbert alone on the elliptical and lateral raise? Say "I looooved the Barbara Boxer interview last week, and I miss you on "This Week In God!" ?What's worse when you're Steven Colbert? To be stared at oddly for a moment but ultimately left alone by that skinny tall girl who seems to have the same schedule as you at the gym, or to be acknowledged by her for all your hard work and talent, swallowing the awkwardness that's bound to come along with that?

And really: I don't mean to stare - at poor Steven Colbert or Al Sharpton, or anyone. In fact, I'm really conscious of it. It's just that I pause on his face because I recognize it, and then linger while I figure out where I know it from. But everytime I linger, he looks up and I feel all weird. It's that moment where you either say the "Bah! Colbert..Boxer...God!" line, or just run away and leave man alone. Ah, I'm overthinking this. I just don't want to repeat the disaster that heretofore has been known as the Rik Ocasek incident. And no, I don't want to talk about it, but you might ask the ">. He was there, maybe you can squeeze it out of him if you ask nicely.

I'm going to see Julie now. But Theresa, I'm sure you're saying, you're going to miss Lost! and Project Runway!. So I say: I still have my VCR! Yay! No TiVo for us! and besides: a girl needs to see her maid of honor every now and again, even if it is a weeknight. Yay!