lumière des étoiles

Go Speed Racer, GO
2004-03-26 1:47 p.m.

Meetings, interviews, and more meetings this week. One of which meant that I had to be a grown up and miss going to the Wolfsheim show at Webster Hall that my friend Michael so graciously invited me to. What's that, you ask? A wacky German synth band who hadn't toured the US until now.

Oh well.

I am disappointed, but not if the end result of all these meetings is me becoming a more permanent fixture at my place of employment, and it looks as if it's going that way. The push I feel from my advisors into a PhD program is flattering, but their insistence that I continue stops when I mention the word "finances". As in, I have none. Well, that's not true, I have plenty, but not of the kind it takes to pay for my coursework. I'm hesitant to go 60k into a debt that I'm not sure can readily be paid back.

GD depression and WWII era-parents and all their frugal training.

I'm grateful for how I was raised; I've never never had debt ever. I pay my credit cards off immediately and never spend beyond my means. One year of Grad school was paid for by the University, the other was paid for via fellowship, because I somehow managed to become a Walter Russell scholar.

Mom and Dad were the types who lived simply and were good with money. Though we didn't have much of it to speak of, one parent being a musician and the other a teacher, it never seemed an "issue". I read once that couples fight most over money, but my parents rarely did. If it was brought up, it was "discussed", not stressed over or fought about.

I guess I want the same freedom - to be free of that kind of stress - so I'm always careful with what I have. I never say "I'll buy this today and pay for it when I get my next check". Am I limiting myself then if I won't apply for loans to pay for the program I already know I can get into and complete?

The ultimate problem solver: the job that is "potentially" being offered to me, as the university would pick up the cost of my program in full. I was blessed enough to have that happen once; could it happen again?

I'll spare you the full brunt of University politics by not speaking about it too much here; I will say it's like a movie sometimes, with me wondering whether I'm the protagonist in my own story or just a supporting character.

This weekend should be fun - a couple of parties and a suggestion that Steve and I join a group of friends wandering around the Village on Saturday night since it's going to be so nice out. I really need that, especially after this week.

xoxox,