78uuu lumière des étoiles

Dusty:Starlight:Culture



family
2003-03-31   10:36 p.m.

The present was a smash success. I've never seen Dave so happy. He's such a good guy, he totally deserves it. It's funny, we didn't much get along when we were younger. Now, he calls three times a week and we get middle eastern food more than we should (chick peas = cholesterol). But I guess that's how it goes with siblings.

It was a t-shirt that said "What Would Devo Do?", with a 1950's type illustration of cliche guy with pipe and sweater vest, but holding an ax and wearing the little devo hat. My brother, being the obscure culture/cult classic 80s buff, is a HUGE devo fan. I thought he was gonna cry, he was laughing so hard. Steve and I also compiled a plethora of information about March 30, 1971, so Dave could see what was happening the year and day he was born.

The Vietnam war was very much happening the year my brother was born. Nixon was in office. When we got people talking about it - the gift was a good catalyst - it was strange to realize that things don't seem to be that much different now, especially because of the war connection. I finally got up the nerve to ask my mother what watching the war on tv was like, having lived through two others where coverage was so different.

Though her memories of WWII are fleeting, as she was a young child then, her memories of the Korean war and Vietnam are strong. Things she told me struck me, not because I was able to connect and empathize that much with that "past" version of her, but because they echo directly my own feelings now. She said she went through a few stages, which we've all heard of before: denial, anger, acceptance, depression, etc. She said she tuned herself out, especially when the CBS evening news started scrolling lists naming the dead for the day during the Vietnam war. That, she said, is actually the reason she stopped watching much TV at all. Not that she ever did - most in her generation don't. Not the way we do now. But she said she couldn't bare the images, the pain on people's faces, and what she felt was a lot of propaganda.

After she stopped watching, she vacillated between feelings of guilt at being "uninformed" and feelings of relief and happiness to exist only in the peaceful world she had created for herself. Feelings of isolation and disconnection, since she is at heart, like me, a news junkie mixed up with feelings of freedom and happiness at being uninformed.

It was strange to shut it off. But she had to. "I had two little boys. I had to function. I couldn't watch".

It's amazing how strong our parents are, especially our mothers. It's amazing how much we forget that. Women are expected to deal with some heavy shit, and keep right on going as if nothing happened, especially if they are mothers.

I'm proud to say that my feelings are - to the letter - exactly like my mother's were then. It makes me think that i've grown up to be a lot like her, which is, I can realize in my adulthood, what i've always wanted.

I can't wait until we travel to Ireland together - just two more months to go. I will love hearing more about these stories and more about things i've never dared or thought to ask. I will love picturing my mom at 20, 30, and 40. She is an amazing woman - I'm lucky to know her.

Good night

T