lumière des étoiles

make it stop please
2003-03-27 12:23 a.m.

I can't believe how important i used to think my little life was. I can't even process how important some people still seem to think their little lives are, especially right now. I'm...functional. At best. It's amazing to observe the way some people can still drone on and on about whatever stupid drama they've immersed themselves in, and still have petty crises of the week. and, expect you to listen, care a lot, or play the game. and get mad at you when you don't.

but i'm a sucker sometimes and just apologize when i'm accused of not paying enough attention or whatever, instead of screaming WHAT THE HELL IS THE MATTER WITH YOU THERE'S A WAR GOING ON RIGHT NOW AND I'M SICK OF HEARING ABOUT DEAD PEOPLE AND POW'S AND ORANGE ALERTS AND THE STOCK MARKET AND CITIES ON FIRE AND I CAN'T THINK ABOUT HOW YOUR EX-BOYFRIEND WON'T RETURN YOUR PHONE CALLS RIGHT NOW BECAUSE OUR CITIZENS ARE KILLING PEOPLE AND GETTING KILLED AND I'M SCARED OF DYING FROM SMALL POX. oh, I say instead, forgive me for being so distracted, it's not that i don't care, please understand, i've been down lately, blah blah blah.

what a wuss i am sometimes. steve says, purge yourself of all vampire friends. all. every one that's left over. easier said than done. even while they're sucking the life out of you. why was it so easy before, but becomes difficult now? why do we involve ourselves with people who make us feel bad about ourselves and aren't very understanding? who suck the life out of us? why was it so easy for me to just break away from so many when i couldn't take it anymore, but now it gets difficult? why is it so easy to say this here? because i know how few readers - who i actually know - stop by here. i feel it's safe. will i have the guts to say all of this outloud, even to them? maybe they wouldn't even be paying much attention, even if i did.

the conflict, depression, and fear i feel right now about the war has helped me put a lot of things into perspective, and is making me re-think some decisions i've made about trust. i'm thankful for my blessings, which come in the form of understanding and compassionate friends, funny friends, selfless friends. the kinds of friends i try to be like. though it's difficult now, i hope it will result in me feeling happier than i ever did before, free of the insecurity and self-doubt relationships like this tend to breed. I know things happend that way last time i cycled through this pattern with old friendships.

I wonder if my mom felt this way during the vietnam war. Maybe the news coverage then didn't come across like such a...oh, i don't know, reality tv show. Maybe my mom didn't have to deal with certain confusing and disturbing juxtapositions that we do now. i'll ask her. i need to chill out, and she's one of the few people who can help me do that sometimes.