lumière des étoiles

Oh, it's Wednesday
2006-02-08 10:25 a.m.

Last week, I went for the quad-fecta with Nicole and Tom - out to dinner on Thursday night, drinks on Friday, the Loop on Saturday, a Superbowl Party on Sunday. Nothing felt odd about it, and I didn't realize all the togetherness until Tom pointed it out. In ways, I still can't believe I've fallen into such a good relationship with them; enough space, but enough of them being around, too. It's so organic, all of it, and I'm just not used to such stability. Of course I have to be a paranoid freak and question it. My good old friends are my good old friends, there for life - I didn't expect at this stage to make such a solid new (well, new-ish, I guess I've known them for a while now) friendship.

Oddly, I've never felt awkward or had a hard time with communication in dating - but struggled more with friendships. Being confrontational with a boyfriend or date has never been hard, confronting a friend about something that is bothering me has always been hard. Backwards, isn't it? Seems to suggest I've valued friendships more than relationships (since I treat them with more caution), even though that isn't true. Oh, I don't know what to think - I'm just trying to be clinical and contemplative about it all now as I'm writing this.

Something else I've been a paranoid freak about lately: work - or, my new position. In that I can't believe how good I have it, and am afraid I'm going to mess it all up and get fired. This, too, like my fear that Nicole and Tom will soon figure out that I'm no fun and not worth their loyalty and affection, is silly and has no logical justification or trigger. But that's the winter monster (monstress?) rearing her ugly head. Though the sunshine this winter - and the warm weather here...it's unbelievable! Good thing the winter monstress is only fleeting this year. In year's past, she's made me sad for months, in long dark and cold days of February. Don't question a good thing, I know, just go with it. All.

Am I sharing too much again? It's all the empathy training we supposedly need at my other, now part-time job. It's making me batty. I love the WS department there, at that other school, but have grown to hate certain figures in the Writing Program I teach for. And yes, I'm aware that "hate" is a very strong word.

We, the writing teaching staff and faculty who have been doing quite well in preparing students for the real world, thankyouverymuch, must attend a seminar soon on how to better nurture the emotional health of the students in our classes. Excuse me, but fuck you. First of all, the instructors, particularly those of us who work part time, get (under)paid with a piecemeal salary that already doesn't reflect the work that goes into developing, running, teaching and supporting a four or five month class. And now, some near six-figure salary administrator, who doesn't really do much of anything of any significance at the school (and certainly is not a teacher), is going to honestly look me in the eye and tell me I'm not doing enough to help my students? That I need to do more but expect no sort of compensation, recognition, or even heightened respect? If they want me to be a therapist as well, they better cough up a whole lot more dough - or I'm going to the union, baby.

Secondly, this little seminar implies that we are not already empathetic and aware that students have feelings that can get tangled in the process of education. Last semester, I sat with a student for hours in my office, letting her cry because her Muslim fundamentalist father ripped up her text books and forbid her to return to University, as women are for wifery, not education. I did this because I am a NICE PERSON, thanks to good parents, a soul, Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood, teacher-training courses at University, traveling in Africa, Jesus, Susan B. Anthony, and whatever else has influenced me to be kind to others. I really resent, as do my colleagues, the implication that I am either a cold, total bastard as a professor, or that I am not "sensitive" enough to listen to people or cut them some slack if they're going through a hard time. And no, I really don't think that "some of us" might need to be "told" that students have emotional needs. We're professionals, except for a few stragglers who aren't going to attend this BS seminar anyway, and have been teachers and humans long enough to understand this very fundamental aspect of working with people (that they have feelings). Besides, everyone is different here; like everywhere else in the world, some of us are more nice and social than others, but students need to understand that that is the world. Some people will be "mean" or cold, and you just have to learn how to deal with them. To put on a kindergarten teacher facade and tell them otherwise is unethical.

Thirdly, and this is the worst - I've heard this line towed before at the school (by White administrators), and resent its racist/classist implications: these poor "urban" (read: minority) students haven't been loved enough! We need to loooove them! Surely, love and kindness are good things, but condescension and assumptions or sweeping generalizations about students based on race are not. And if I were a black student from a poor neighborhood, and some professor was acting parental toward me, rather than respecting me enough to establish a PROFESSIONAL relationship, I'd be so angry and frustrated that I'd drop the class. How dare someone assume that just because I'm black, have poor literacy or language skills, or am economically struggling that I "just need more love"? Teach me to read, damn it!, I'd say, You're my professor, not my therapist!

Because you see, the problem is, this crap has taken the place of legitimate discussions and concerns about pedagogy, and how much BUDGETARY RESTRICTIONS coming from said admin have affected our ability to actually teach. What will empower these poor "minority" kids is not providing them with more love, but with the skills to compete with the White kids who grew up in wealthy neighborhoods and were lucky enough to have good educations. Or perhaps that is how I show love: by saying no, student x, this is not good enough and so it's a D. If she cries, she cries; she thanks me for my honesty later when I tell her that had this been a cover-letter or resume, I as a prospective employer would have thrown it in the garbage based on grammatical errors alone. Being that confrontational is much more difficult and emotionally draining to me than lying to her, saying "I'm so PROUD of you for even SUBMITTING this work! THANK YOU for letting me READ it!". And let's be honest: the Pakistani kid who can't even string a coherent sentence together won't suddenly master subject-verb agreement because I've told him I'm proud of him and focus on his emotional wellness. He will be able to do so when I teach him what subjects and verbs are - and by teach I mean allowing him to fail so that he'll learn. Why aren't we having seminars on that? Why aren't we running more workshops to help said student by offering him more support? Oh, cause we DON'T HAVE THE MONEY.

Some days, in that place, I feel like I'm in some Ionesco play, some French Theater of the Absurd drama. It's as if I go to the admin for help with a problem, and they say: "Eat more pie! That will help!", and then a Rhinoceros walks into the room. The answer they'd give anyway makes just about as much sense.

So thank you, thank you, thank you, kismet and luck and education, for giving me the means to secure this new, other job, and to "take or leave" the job I've just been discussing. There are so many brilliant people, teachers or otherwise, working for that Writing Program, but burocracy ensures everyone feeling drained, sapped, and at odds with each other. It's so toxic right now, and has been for some time - I can't believe that I struggled through it in past semesters. But doing exactly that, doing anything and everything to keep loyal and devoted to both my career and the program, including losing friendships over it, is what has brought me to this position now. Had I done things differently, I don't think I'd be where I am now. It was all well worth it; I did the right thing - I'm quite proud of what I've gained.

Oh, and speaking of topsy turvy world or the Theater of the Absurd: Alito's made a very surprising decision, splitting with other conservative judges and refusing to allow Missouri to execute a death row inmate named Michael Taylor. Whaaa? Has he fooled us? Is he not the Right Wing's little bitch after all? Or is this a trick to let our defenses down? Was I wrong about him all along? Should I not be afraid, be very afraid?

We'll see.

Hooray, Wednesday! My day off! Reading, for me! Writing, all for me! Lost! Project Runway! Making dinner for Steve! eeeeeeeeee!

xoxo