lumière des étoiles

Nonplussed
2004-05-03 12:30 a.m.

um...hi.

Yep.

um...

It's really funny - there are a number of people's blogs, full of good, quality content that I really enjoy reading. Well that's not funny, but this is: lately, everyone seems to have the above content/energy issues. Seems to me that rather than the usual energetic, contemplative and emotional prose, a slew of people are descending into "so...um...I like Cheddar Cheese" -type updates 'cause there just ain't nothin' much to say. I'm glad it's not just me. I guess it's a transitional time of year; we're busy and adjusting and tired and running here and there. What is it about April, May, and June? Oh, and speaking of blogs I read, this girl is so brilliant she frightens me. Darkly beautiful and soberingly introspective, indeed. Write a novel in between raising your younger siblings, traveling, and concert pianist-training, girl. Like, soon. I'll be the first to line up at your book signing for an autograph.

So Thomas saw the snarky, take-no-prisoners, activist side of me Friday, and our friendship has survived. I think I alternately amused and bewildered him, but since I'm learning to smile while spewing my venomous resistance to our current administration, our conversation didn't send me to a dark place for the evening.

What's taught me to smile, honestly, was seeing just how many people are as mad as I am about the state of our pretty little union. It's hard to work in isolation - it's hard when a lot of people see as many gross atrocities as you do, but just can't seem to be bothered to do anything about it. It's depressing when most people can shut those feelings off like a switch, but you walk around fuming because your hyper-awareness of assaults on your political beliefs (or assaults on you/your friends/your loved ones!) just won't let you. It's also sad when you get so conditioned to keep your mouth shut because politics aren't "fun" or "appropriate" in conversation (and how many of us have been accused of "thinking too much" or being "too serious"? argh) that you're missing out on opportunities to connect to people whom you may not realize are ideological allies. I heard so many people describing the exact same feeling to me at the march that I began to realize the power we have as a (huge!) group. I've begun to feel less hopeless, more happy the more I discuss how I've been reacting. I saw a guy at the march in a T-Shirt that said "If You're Not Angry, You're Not Paying Attention", and while I can't say I had this great, tactile epiphany, like those in the movies where colors swirl, music plays, and visual symmetrics become suddenly disproportionate, I felt a bizarre sense of relief and excitement.

Organization truly is key, and I promised myself last week that I wouldn't pull this "I'm too busy" routine anymore either. With all the anger and fear I've been internalizing in the last four years and/or projecting unfairly unto other areas of my life, it's about time for some psychological relief. As a friend said to me the other day, "To put it in psycho-babble, it's time to reclaim some power".

So getting back to Thomas, we've had fun together, we've connected, we've shared a history for years. But Friday, we talked like we never had before, exposing, for lack of a better word, "deeper" sides of ourselves. I think we knew those sides were there, but they hadn't really had opportunity to surface before. Since "before" involves a time span of about five years, I'll take the silver-lining approach and say again that perhaps this administration and all of its mistakes are fantastic. We're waking up, talking to each other, getting pro-active. Friends are having great conversations, standing up for one another, and understanding how important strength, peace, and civil rights are. Perhaps we had to see shades of the worst in government before we could see shades of the best in ourselves.

Thomas said something to Steve at the end of the night about never really seeing this side of me before, and he seemed to use the word "passionate", not "crazy" or "annoying". I've made some poor choices in friendships before, so what unfortunately remains a fear for me is that once a frienship moves past a certain level, I'll be disappointed with who people turn out to be or that there will be some impossibility in understanding one another after we get past those surface niceties that make up casual frienships. Not so here, though - me revealing myself and speaking up seemed to garner respect, as it should from person to person, universally. How'd I get so lucky?

I think I'm off to bed, or I'll be trying to assess the hostel situation in and around Budapest for the next hour. I've been so excited about Botswana and South Africa and all that I had nearly fogotten how crazy packed Europe in the summer can be. Should I continue my neglect, my dear husband and I might just have to sleep in the park the night we arrive in Hungary. At least I'd come home then with a story that might out-do one of Thomas'. Nah. Passing out in a Nepalese disco, losing your hotel address, and then somehow getting a guy with a rickshaw to find your hotel for you at two am will still have us beat. But we'll work on some good ones, don't you worry. Steve and I are just an incendiary combination - life's never boring around here. I'm just cautious enough to keep us out of trouble, but just motivated enough to drag us around to god knows where just cause I want to get a look. Steve's a great combination of stability and spontaneity, and he's inspired by the unknown. I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with him.

I digress, and bid you adieu from tangent land.

xoxox