78uuu lumière des étoiles

Dusty:Starlight:Culture



That Time of Night
2004-04-06   1:25 a.m.

And just what on earth do I think I'm doing up so late?

Such a good sleeping pattern I've had lately - and I'm blowing it because my creative process has kicked into overdrive. Could be the change in weather - the sun and light make it impossible for me to be down. Could be how much time I've been able to spend alone with Steve lately. Could be that Thomas won't let up with this "my friend's wife works for Random House" thing. Oh yes, that must be the one.

This is how one gets in, by the way; the industry is impossible to break into. Why do you think all of these authors - Rich, Piercy; Hemingway, Fitzgerald; Nin, Miller, to name a few - were friends? Most didn't meet after they were published, but before, and pushed each other's work on to their publishers. A friend told me once that her editor asked nearly every month: "Got any friends that'd be worth reading?" And there it is - so goes the industry. It's bull crap, and being friends with someone who is a good writer doesn't make you a good writer, but it certainly is more likely to get your manuscript read rather than shuffled away in a drawer with the hundreds of others that come in anonymously through the post.

I had the most amazing weekend, full of people and life and friends, and somehow still managed to get two chapters out of my head. We'll see where it goes, and I'm dangerously falling into the zombie mode of questioning everything I write, but as long as I don't sleep-burn up the only existing copies of what I've been writing (kind of like sleep-walking...only it's not walking, but setting fire to...oh, forget it), everything will be ok.

I've been liberated from much of the stress at work - the new WS director told me that "many of my students" (and one of them IS A STRAIGHT MAN) have come to inquire about a WS minor, since I have "made the discipline seem so relevant". Well hoo-ray. Even if "many" means "two", I still feel good; I've worked my ass off to save that program from the administrative garbage disposal, and finally the college is coming around. Yay! Who knows, maybe in a few years this will turn into a department that can actually afford to hire more than one full-time faculty member. Meetings about next semester's schedule and job interviews and bosses asking me to go to "lunch" all the while having some kind of agenda have ceased, and my students are on their own track and know what they need to do before the semester's end.

These are other contributing factors to my creative process keeping me up until 1 am.

But it's all for the best - it all creates who I am.

I've been thinking about that - how we change, create, and "get created" - lately and its physical manifestations on me. A couple of my friends said I "looked hot" at Friday's party. This a)made me feel bee-u-tee-ful b)embarrassed me a little but not so much that I didn't prance around a bit, and mostly c)was a reaction to the fact that I was wearing a sleeveless shirt for the first time since I've begun my new "arms" stuff. Which of course refers to lifting weights four times a week and swimming my little patootie off at the Y.

My body has changed - that's really what my friends have noticed - and I wonder how it will change again. What will become permanent, and what will fade away?

In Africa, I somehow acquired new freckles I'd never had before. Where there were one or two on my shoulders, there are now a dozen. Where there was one on my nose, there are now five. I thought they'd fade away, but here they still are, even after months of winter clothing has kept them shielded from the sun, two years later.

An interesting representation for what I came back from Africa feeling - and how it's never gone away. Much in me changed; part of it was the actual trip, part of it was the timing and my life, my decisions - but all of it has constructed who I am now. The difference in me is marked by the little freckles that just won't fade.

Sometimes what's most important is the process we've taken to get where we are and become who we are, no matter what the result winds up being. I saw a beautiful movie the other day called "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" that offers up this notion, playing with the idea of memories and memory construction, asking how much power we have over our subconscious. I'll hold off before I say anymore, but trust me when I say it's worth seeing.

I went out tonight with some of my very closest friends; we're all upset about something and feel drastic decisions coming on. The topic of our discussion forced us to recognize first our differences and then our similarities, which made me realize, in a sense, that we're all quite literally a part of and affected by each other. No matter what happens, in the twisted, grand scheme of life to me, to them, or to our relationship, I am who I am because of them. I love them dearly, and I'm so glad I've chosen wisely. At this philosophical and affected age, who I surround myself with is so important - and I've been blessed with the best.

xo,

je ne regrette rien - Edith Piaf