lumière des étoiles

Lacking Empathy
2003-09-09 1:18 a.m.

What is it that sometimes makes us act paranoid, projecting hostility onto and into something when there is none to be found? Is this such a fear of being judged by others that we "beat them at their own game"? Is the assumption that someone is judging you a projection of your own fears of failure? Do we make it true, convince ourselves that people must be demonized? Is this some form of masochism, some desire to be perpetually victimized? Doesn't victimization imply powerlessness? And isn't powerlessness a bad thing?

Freud the genius divided our psyche into three categories, more or less: the id, the ego, and the superego. There is no mistaking it, no matter how self-righteous we try to be: the id makes it nearly impossible for true altruism to exist - we are consistently thinking of ourselves and our own best interests when we act. This is natural and normal. As we recognize our own subjectivity as infants, we recognize the need to have our needs - whether biological or emotional - met first. This is an instinct which ensures our survival, even if by "survival" we mean meeting the needs of others first so that we will remain feeling loved.

We do, however, as modern psychology recognizes, develop something called empathy: the ability to put ourselves in others' positions, trying to think and see things from their perspective. The more we know about someone, the more we are able to do this, if we are willing. For some reason, however, sometimes a sense of empathy in us freezes, and we're incapable of considering another perspective. This can be frightening for various reasons, more so, I think, than we realize.

Take, for example, a long conversation I had with a nice woman we met in New Orleans who's religion and trade dealt with Voodoo. Think what you will about her chosen religion holistically, that is irrelevant. It's more her belief I'm interested in - specifically her seeming inability to be empathetic. I assure you, she's not the only one.

To clarify: I asked her about the "revenge" part of her religion. While most practitioners will tell you that Hollywood demonizes Voodoo, partially because it's mysterious, and partially, I’d argue, because it's an African (read: "savage") based religion, I also said that I felt it was more than just bad publicity - that many people feared it since it does advocate consequence-free revenge. "Well," she said, "it's not like when someone cuts you off on the freeway you can just go and ask Baka to kill them or something. But if someone hurts you, they deserve to be hurt back." She earlier had told me "how human" her deities were, and how impish they tended to be. Who is the grown up then, I wondered, in this situation - who acts as the superego? If she didn't believe in karma, and there was no rule of three, no superior or supreme being understanding the order of the Universe and not allowing humans to selfishly manipulate it, especially if they couldn't possibly even begin to understand it, what's to stop total chaos from ensuing?

"But," I said to her, "humans are so flawed when it comes to anger and the desire for revenge. Just think about the term blind rage. It means that someone isn't even thinking, they're so angry - they can't even see straight. They're overwhelmed by emotion, and not thinking either logically or empathetically. Who is there to temper them?" She shrugged. "Why do people need temperance? They know when they've been wronged..."

I wanted to leave the store promptly after that statement, as nice and pleasant as she had been to us. She's putting a lot of faith into the human race that I just don't have, that I just can't agree with.

Many people lack a sense of empathy, lack an inability to say: "Wait. Before I get angry, pick fights, get bitter and jealous and act like a passive-aggressive child, let me stop and think about what motivated the person who I'm angry with. Perhaps it's something bigger than me. Perhaps it's something that is for the best." Instead, we focus on how we have been wronged, how we are victims. We refuse or are unable to - even for a moment - consider the other's perspective and offer some kind of understanding, since the truth, that we have been rejected, might be hard to admit. We go on smear campaigns, look for validation from others. We want others to be "on our side", to also recognize that we have been wronged. We build cases against the other. We try our damnedest to get everyone we can to agree that that person sucks, that they are wrong, bitchy, and fucked up. We wish pretty hard that no one would talk to them anymore, that they would be miserable without us. We wish we could make them pay, and want us back.

I know I have done these things, in my younger days. I know for me it came from an extremely low sense of self-esteem. However, I also think it comes from the fact that our culture lacks a proper education and immersion in empathy. It doesn't sell. Jealousy and hatred do. Just ask any reality TV show producer.

I have also been the victim of such reactions, and I told this woman so. I told her that where I have seen things in my past as inevitable, others have seen fit to condemn me for them, being unrealistic and wishing so hard that I was a bad person that they began to believe their own myth, even though they knew the truth: that I was still, in many ways, the same person they loved. That they were the same person I loved. That things were just different now. That doesn't really fit to serve the damaged ego, though. "What would happen," I asked her, "if one of my students, who deserved an F but thought I just 'didn't like them', one of my ex-boyfriends who was convinced I was Satan incarnate, one of my old friends who believes I abandoned him, wished me dead?" She didn't really answer. What was protecting me? While she was certainly knowledgeable about many things, she seemed almost incapable of understanding my question. "Perspectives," I added, "you know? As in people have all different ones. That flower might be ugly to you, but it's beautiful to me, you know?"

I still don't think she got it. It was pretty clear she lacked a sense of empathy - there was a bitterness and anger in her face, she seemed almost proud to be jaded. It was terribly sad; both of us felt pity for her and tried to wish good thoughts for her as we've done for others in our lives - from past and present - who have been in a similar valley.

People come and go in our lives, this is no one's "fault". I think I recognized this early on with the death of my father. Unlike being dumped by a boyfriend, I had no one to blame. I had to learn very early that sometimes life and the Universe have paths that we are not meant to understand; that no matter how angry, bitter, or full of spite we grow, we cannot change what is inevitable.

Joe, my first long-term boyfriend, whom I began dating a year after my father died, left me for another girl after he went to college. I was heartbroken, depressed and angry. I still could recognize, though, somehow, that it was just his time to move on. After a few months, the anger subsided, and while I was still embarrassed, my ego taking a beating and all, I could still offer him understanding, and recognize how hard it must have been for him to hurt me.

Was it the death of my father that helped me realize that I cannot control life? That I shouldn't try? That when things happen, I must believe that it's all for the best?

I wouldn't let myself be bitter and jealous, I wouldn't let myself be full of spite. What kind of life is that? Even if there is one person in your life you feel this toward, I urge you to free yourself from it. It feels so much better to think of someone fondly or to smile when you see them rather than think of them with contempt, to let that creep into you, no matter how infrequently, or to turn your back and pretend they're not in the room when you see them.

If you feel they have wronged you, think: might you have wronged them? Even if you were never aware of it, or didn't mean to? Maybe they don't look at things the way you do. Trust me: most people aren't out to hurt others. In fact, sometimes it's difficult to make decisions in which we know others will be hurt, but we can be proud of how brave we are to take a chance and pursue the opportunity to grow and breathe. I thank my first boyfriend now, wherever he is, since he had the strength and the ability to recognize that things just weren't working anymore. He forced me to grow up, to learn things about myself, and to admit the reality: relationships are flawed and take a lot of work, but sometimes there is just nothing left to be worked out. This is a fact, whether we like it or not.

On a global scale, do we also have this problem? If this lack of empathy, this lack of emphasis on how important it is or the assumed "pointlessness" of incorporating it into, say, our public school curriculum, becomes then a collective or majority American/Western attitude, what are the consequences?

Can it turn deadly quickly, especially where there is superiority of money and resources to be found? Strike first, ask later? We will not be made a fool of, so we'll pummel you till you're sorry? Have we already seen this happen, again and again? Is it easier to tell ourselves "that's not my problem"? Is it easier to fall into the mentality that our way is the right way, no matter what? Would it be impossible to admit that as a nation, we have made mistakes, that we are fallible, that we just might be wrong sometimes?

Thanks so much for all the comments, and please, keep them coming - I really like how input, especially from those who have a different point of view, helps me really think about my perspectives.

Some solace can be found here. I once read a quote but never found out who wrote it, but it's pretty appropriate for this discussion:

"I have no enemies, only people who have gone from my life. I recognize and love them for who they have helped me become. I cherish their memories, and begrudge nothing that has ended, vanished like mist into the air."

Thanks for reading!

WHO AM I, ANYWAY?