78uuu lumière des étoiles

Dusty:Starlight:Culture



A Break
2003-08-06   6:12 p.m.

More Glog, or Greece log, is coming soon.

Thought I'd depart for a bit, just because I've been thinking about this lately: what's with the need to prove oneself over and over again? I feel it, from time to time, though with age and the accomplishments I've worked hard for and achieved, I feel it less.

I guess it's our deep seated need to seek approval, to be more than accepted, to be championed. Maybe it's also coming from a history of rejection for some, and an attempt at over-compensation now.

The most liberating feeling is the one in which you have nothing to prove. The one in which you don't demand others' attention constantly, you don't need it to survive. It's a struggle for all of us, learning how to be entirely self-sufficient, self-confident, and self-reliant for things like love, esteem, and praise. But it's a good fight, and one I recommend fighting.

Why am I thinking about this? Could be the movie I watched last night with some friends. It's called The Four Feathers, and to say the least, it's a good depiction of this kind of struggle - this kind of fierce determination the protagonist has to prove to a bunch of people who are kind of lame and unsupportive anyway that he is not a coward. That he does not suck. That he is just as good as them.

ho hum, i thought, when we first put it on.

But, despite the triumph, seeming vengence, and exagguration in the end, the protagonist's journey actually is self-realized - he recognizes that what he does and who he is should matter most only to him, and that if he's doing things for show (i.e. to prove himself to everyone else), his whole life is pointless, and life's taught him nothing. Amazingly, some one had the balls to write this into a mass-produced, big five production company movie. It was such a zen concept, and was not quite the hollywood ending one might expect from a self-proclaimed epic film full of pretty young actors. But, since the journey to prove himself to others became more about proving himself to himself, and there was no "IN YOUR FACE, SUCKERS!" moment, but rather a sad and kind of soft ending, I was impressed - dare I say - moved?

I want that bad. I'll be that soon - every day gets easier.

Weird stuff goes through my head when I work on my novel. Sorry.

It's ok, though, my annoyingly philosophical and sometimes self-righteous thoughts are usually countered by my friends. Case in point: lady-brett, Sandi, me, and Steve ran around the Kohl's one day sale today buying luggage at 80% off and throwing ugly shiny thongs at each other. Then we played with the giant old lady underpants and talked about how to design a golden-girls inspired line of linens and house wares. Where's

gentle-soul when you need him?

To get out of the madness that is North Jersey, Steve and I booked a 5 day trip yesterday. It was cheap, and I got a good deal on hotels.com. I can't wait to get out of this rain and away from this traffic. It's perfect - we get back right in time for his conference and the Tori Amos show.

Off to write, my silliness is done for the day.

T